I have been walking around with two stones in my pockets for the past week. During a very anxious moment I went to my crystal deck and drew two crystal cards....smoky quartz and sodalite. I have worked with smoky quartz often. It is like an old friend. I feel grounded and held when I work with it. It made perfect sense that I had chosen that card. I have not worked as often with sodalite. I found that when I had it with me, I felt far less panicky....far less anxious....I could hear the logical side of my brain saying ,"take care of yourself one step at a time," instead of being buffered about by the depressed emotional side of my brain saying "nothing matters." I subscribe to the living with crystals email newsletter and I just received the latest edition. And lo and behold....and entire article on sodalite confirming everything that I had experienced. Check it out.....
http://www.rainbowcrystal.com/crystal/sodalite.html
Danica
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Discovery of Co-dependence
Just made the amazing, shocking, and relieving discovery that all of my despair has an actual definition. It is called co-dependence. I find it astounding that it has taken me this long to put 2 and 2 together. From growing up in a alcoholic household, to divorcing from an alcoholic and substance dependent mate, to having another verbally abusive relationship end, and feeling like I was emotionally out of control the entire time....you would think that I might have considered this sooner. But no, it took all of the above and a patient and direct counselor to suggest it. I finally went to the bookstore and picked up Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. (Yes we can see a pattern forming. Books seem to provide the spiritual and catalytic push that I need. My father, an ex-literature professor would be sooooo proud :))))) I read the first story and sat there with my mouth wide open. It was as if they were describing how I felt through my marriage. I no longer felt alone and completely broken. I really can not explain the relief I had from realizing what I was going through. I had absolutely no embarrassment. It was as if I wanted to run outside and yell, with joy, at the top of my lungs, " I'm not a fucking freak, I'm co-dependent!!!!!!!" I called my father. My father has been dry for over 20 years now with the help of AA. I love him to death in so many ways. I wanted to let him know what I was about to embark upon. He and my mother were very supportive. Another reason why I love them both oh so very much :) What I did not expect was that the definition of co-dependence is so gray....so malleable......so unique to each individual. For me it was not that I was dependent upon someone or something, I had become dependent upon maintaining through control, all external circumstances to keep my core wounds in place while trying to protect myself in the ways I had learned to during my youth. I could see the opportunity to change years of conditioning emerge right in front of my eyes. Once again....what a relief! And this my dear readers, is the main reason why I have just changed the title of this blog from Shamanic and Wiccan Approaches to Depression: A Personal Account to..... Shamanic and Wiccan Approaches to Co-dependence: A Personal Account. Step one....never be afraid to redefine yourself or start over!
p.s. along with the book I treated my self to these magnetic bookmarks that have the most fabulous pumps I have ever seen on them. A girls' gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Danica
p.s. along with the book I treated my self to these magnetic bookmarks that have the most fabulous pumps I have ever seen on them. A girls' gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Danica
Monday, January 4, 2010
Shamanic Journey
As I was lighting my candle this morning, I had a spontaneous shamanic journey that I would like to share. Hopefully this will be helpful in letting others know that the shamanic worlds are working all the time to help us.
The candle ritual for grief suggests that you picture a bleak /dark landscape. On the other side of this landscape is an angel that holds the light of a star. You are supposed to picture the flame of your black candle merging with the light of the angel's star.
So.....I lit my candle, closed my eyes, and tried to visualize the suggested scene. Here is what happened instead....
All of the sudden I felt two hands shove me violently. I fell onto dead/black earth that was covered with broken roots, shards of glass, and sharp stones that went on forever. In horror I realized that I could not stop myself. The whole front of my body hit the ground. These sharp objects were indescribably painful. Every breath I took or movement I made drove them deeper into me. They were cutting and shredding me everywhere. I started to cry...A) because any movement I made to try and sit up made it worse and B) I knew I was going to be scarred forever. With every second that passed the sharps objects were sliding deeper into me from the weight of my prone body. I was terrified, in excrutiating pain, and had no way to stop it. Just when I about to give in and give up, my power animal, monkey showed up. She lifted me to a sitting position. I screamed with the pain and almost fainted with the shock. She began to remove the hundreds of sharp objects that were embedded in me. When she was finished, there were still sharp objects underneath where I sat and the open wounds down the front of me were unbearable. And to make matters worse, there was a blackness that was growing all around me, pressing in on me. I started to panic. I couldn't breathe. Then all of the sudden there was a tiny patch of the greenest grass that started to appear underneath me. Just big enough to cover the area I was sitting. I sat on this grass for what seemed like an eternity, with Monkey sitting bedside me for support as the wounds began to heal....ever....so.....slowly. Once my physical body had been healed, Monkey crawled into my lap. She was not going to leave me. As I made that realization, I began to cry. We sat there together and surveyed the surrounding landscape. There was darkness everywhere. The ground was gray and ashey, and the air was pure blackness and it was steadily trying to push closer and closer into my little patch of green grass. I tried to push it back. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing happened. I was crying again. Then Monkey went to what I call the in between night sky. It exists between the middle world and the upper world. She brought three things back. They looked like energy from stars but there was no light. There was just substance. She came back to my little patch of grass and hurled this dark star substance out into the blackness. It instantly created an energetic, semicircular barrier directly in front of us. The blackness could not penetrate it. I noticed that I could breathe better. My anxiety started to lessen. With the creation of this barrier, my little patch of grass began to grow behind me. It grew and grew until the entire landscape behind me was vibrant green grass. I took stock of how this felt. I felt relief! The blackness was held at bay. Blessed relief! Then the journey ended.
As I think back on this spontaneaous journey, I realize this.....every single image in that journey represents how I have been experiencing depression...... Having it thrust upon me by my partner choosing to end our relationship..... the hopelessness..... the need for help..... the necessary pain that occurs in order to heal.... etc. But it was the green grass that spoke to my heart the most. My little patch of green grass in the midst of all that despair was the hope, love, and healing of Gaia/Mother Earth. The energy of the earth was holding me, helping me, healing me, and loving me. Knowing this strengthens the barrier that holds the darkness back. That green grass is the healing light that is growing slowly.....so slowly inside of me.
Danica
The candle ritual for grief suggests that you picture a bleak /dark landscape. On the other side of this landscape is an angel that holds the light of a star. You are supposed to picture the flame of your black candle merging with the light of the angel's star.
So.....I lit my candle, closed my eyes, and tried to visualize the suggested scene. Here is what happened instead....
All of the sudden I felt two hands shove me violently. I fell onto dead/black earth that was covered with broken roots, shards of glass, and sharp stones that went on forever. In horror I realized that I could not stop myself. The whole front of my body hit the ground. These sharp objects were indescribably painful. Every breath I took or movement I made drove them deeper into me. They were cutting and shredding me everywhere. I started to cry...A) because any movement I made to try and sit up made it worse and B) I knew I was going to be scarred forever. With every second that passed the sharps objects were sliding deeper into me from the weight of my prone body. I was terrified, in excrutiating pain, and had no way to stop it. Just when I about to give in and give up, my power animal, monkey showed up. She lifted me to a sitting position. I screamed with the pain and almost fainted with the shock. She began to remove the hundreds of sharp objects that were embedded in me. When she was finished, there were still sharp objects underneath where I sat and the open wounds down the front of me were unbearable. And to make matters worse, there was a blackness that was growing all around me, pressing in on me. I started to panic. I couldn't breathe. Then all of the sudden there was a tiny patch of the greenest grass that started to appear underneath me. Just big enough to cover the area I was sitting. I sat on this grass for what seemed like an eternity, with Monkey sitting bedside me for support as the wounds began to heal....ever....so.....slowly. Once my physical body had been healed, Monkey crawled into my lap. She was not going to leave me. As I made that realization, I began to cry. We sat there together and surveyed the surrounding landscape. There was darkness everywhere. The ground was gray and ashey, and the air was pure blackness and it was steadily trying to push closer and closer into my little patch of green grass. I tried to push it back. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing happened. I was crying again. Then Monkey went to what I call the in between night sky. It exists between the middle world and the upper world. She brought three things back. They looked like energy from stars but there was no light. There was just substance. She came back to my little patch of grass and hurled this dark star substance out into the blackness. It instantly created an energetic, semicircular barrier directly in front of us. The blackness could not penetrate it. I noticed that I could breathe better. My anxiety started to lessen. With the creation of this barrier, my little patch of grass began to grow behind me. It grew and grew until the entire landscape behind me was vibrant green grass. I took stock of how this felt. I felt relief! The blackness was held at bay. Blessed relief! Then the journey ended.
As I think back on this spontaneaous journey, I realize this.....every single image in that journey represents how I have been experiencing depression...... Having it thrust upon me by my partner choosing to end our relationship..... the hopelessness..... the need for help..... the necessary pain that occurs in order to heal.... etc. But it was the green grass that spoke to my heart the most. My little patch of green grass in the midst of all that despair was the hope, love, and healing of Gaia/Mother Earth. The energy of the earth was holding me, helping me, healing me, and loving me. Knowing this strengthens the barrier that holds the darkness back. That green grass is the healing light that is growing slowly.....so slowly inside of me.
Danica
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Musings on: Dealing with depsession from a Wiccan standpoint #1
Every day I get up and light a candle. Being a Shamanic Wiccan, I have found that this process has been incredibly helpful as of late. I have turned away from many things in the past 2 years. One of them being multi-layered intricacies within ritual. I have pared down due to necessity. I have pared down to mirror the needs of my own life. I have pared down because I am too tired to do any thing else. I have paired down to hopefully find a renewed sense of faith and hope. So once again, I light a candle every day. Some are the color of black to acknowledge the darkness that presses in, some are green to remind me that it's the little patch of shamanic grass that grows beneath my feet that keeps the darkness at bay, some are blue to bring the oh so rare peace during sleep. When depression hits, there seems to be no way out, you believe in nothing...... not in divinity, not in humanity, not in yourself. It's been weeks of sleeping too long, eating Wendy's constantly, going to work and coming straight home, refusing to go out dancing, and having anxiety attacks. I felt so lost and abandoned that in a frenzy I pulled down my Yule altar. I stood there staring at my stained wooden altar top. The emptiness felt far more appropriate. It reflected where I was. I felt like that lovely Yule altar was a complete lie. A perfect form of denial. The bare altar felt like an acceptance and a facing of my grief. It felt like someone who understood and was not trying to fix it, change it, or run away from it. I left it like that for days. Then I discovered the book By Candlelight by Janina Renee. It is a lovely book that has loads of simple and poignant candle lighting rituals for a multitude of situations. It was the ritual for grief that caught my eye. It was the ease, simplicity, and acknowledgment of what depression and grief does to a person that made me pick up this book. If I heard one more person try to offer me advice, tell me it was going to be ok, or that I would be a better person in the end for all of this, I was going to punch them in their oh so concerned faces. (As you can tell anger goes along with depression.) This ritual allowed me to truly be where I was. Not where everyone wanted me to be. It also left room for the possibility of change in the future. Nothing fancy...just the truth with no pressure. I highly suggest the powerful act of candle lighting for anyone who walks with depression by their sides. I have discovered that little flame goes a very long way. It proves to me over and over again, that with a single act, the edges of depression can be pushed back if only temporarily. And take it from one who knows, temporarily counts....it counts in a big way.
Danica Connors
Danica Connors
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